Big Plans

I want to heal the world.
Best start with myself.
Insurmountable task that lay before me.
Which one?

I want to feel the love.
Created first in myself.
Lost within years of self loathing.
Can it be done?

I want to forgive the past.
For it is not myself.
Situations do not define who I am.
Play the pun.

I want to see the difference.
To look and see my Self.
Instead of flaws & imperfections not there.
That’d be fun.

Small Thoughts

Tired.
Lonely.
Longing to show someone my wounds.
Afraid.
Aware of the feelings.
Cannot escape them.
Self loathing.
Finding things to dislike.
Must be punished.
For what?
Why all of this nonsense?
So needless.
It’s silly.
But real. To me. In my head.
Pounding head.
Seems endless these days.
I close my eyes for relief.
It escapes me.
I can hear my Self.
Trying to love me.
So afraid.
Undeserving.
Lonely.
What a precious child.
Someone should hug her.
Give her strength in the form of love.
Not fear.
Not self punishment.
She is deserving.
She is loved.

Living Regret

Inside myself I am empty
Filled with want, need and greed
Outside myself I am growing
Constantly being fufilled

Inside myself I am ugly
Full of hate, resentment and torture
Outside myself you think I am beautiful
A vision of loveliness that can be seen from afar

Inside myself I am angry
For the things the lesser endure
Outside myself I am angry
Aft myself for not doing more

So show me a way to bring the outside in
To feel the warmth in my head in my heart
There is a stone wall around me that has kept me safe
But has also kept me afar

Why then do I shed tears?
Only for myself and what may happen to me.
I care not for your compassion or pity.
I have none to offer you.
A logical understanding is all I have.
Perhaps it is our own faults?
As I hold myself wholly responsible for being here.

Into the light

Light from Darkness
Life for Death
Reason behind Madness
Read my Sadness
Of a life through a life.

Seeing patterns in a marvelous maze
Suffocating beneath this thick black haze
Inside myself you can never see
This hard black hate inside of me

Poison this Body
Penetrate this Beast
Watching from closed doors
Wait for ME.

I can see a Light inside of here….
I can see a Light inside of here….
I can see a Light inside of here….
Turn it off. I’m not ready to see myself.

Getting a Grip.

I am so incredibly lost
What the hell am I doing?
What the fuck was I thinking
Hope I make it out alright
Sucking the life. Breathing the pain.

I am such a fucking joke
Pathetic even to me. Insufferable wench.
Honesty is dark at best.
Truth brings light that is blinding
Everything you hate I am. Nothing that is pure.

Pain is Beauty. Beauty is Pain.

I am beautiful in my eyes
Bleeding and torn
Cracks in the sidewalk the concrete is worn & cold
I am cold.
Death within vessels & veins that are blue
It seeps through me and into you
Can you feel it?

Pain is beauty. Beauty is pain.